The Ten Blurb Commandments

Let's see how much lead there is in this balloon...

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I’m probably about to offend some people. Which is part of the reason I scheduled this to go live while I’m outside the country. Please know that this is not directed at anyone in particular. It’s just some stuff that needs to be said.

Because let’s be honest… the whole process of giving and getting blurbs kinda sucks.

Not all the time. Sometimes I am genuinely excited to blurb a book for a friend or an up-and-coming author. It’s exciting to get an early look and know that you can lend a hand of support to someone.

But sometimes, that hand can be a handful.

Blurbs are homework. And they’re free labor. Say yes to too many, and you find yourself with a stack of books you need to read, taking you away from your own work, or books you want to read purely for enjoyment. Say no because you’re too busy, and you feel bad, and risk looking like a bit of a prick.

I hate saying no, but sometimes I have to. And when it rains it pours… it feels like sometimes I’ll go months without a request, and then I’ll get five in a week.

I’m not even sure how many books it sells. I’m on board with Sean Manning at Simon & Schuster, who said he’s no longer going to require authors get blurbs.

Until then, I do think there’s some stuff we can talk about to help streamline the process for the rest of us…

And before you think this is just me, this is partially assembled from the grumbles and whispers of fellow authors in dark bars and hotel conference rooms. I ran this past an author pal who wrote back: “I agree with it all. No notes!”

Thou Shalt Give Ample Notice

Whenever someone asks me to blurb a book, I ask when it’s due. That’s the first and biggest question. And, look, I get that sometimes publishers will jam you up, production schedules will run over… but anything less than a month is kinda disrespectful.

Two months is okay. Three is ideal.

Because while reading a book seems easy, you need to keep in mind the three other blurbs I need to do, plus whatever else is on my plate.

Thou Shalt Use the Damn Blurb

Twice—twice!—I have blurbed books, only to find that the book in question does not include said blurb. Now, I don’t give a shit where you put me—front cover, back cover, inside the book. Hell, at least use it on the sales page metadata.

I write decent blurbs. If you asked me to do it, and you don’t use it… maybe the publisher whiffed it or something, but still, it’s less likely I’m going to jump to do you another favor.

Speaking of…

Thou Shalt Not Ask Me to Blurb Every Book You Write

It’s not entirely unacceptable, but it’s a little uncouth to ask the same person to blurb every single book you write.

I’ve certainly had instances where I’ve doubled-up—S.A. Cosby blurbed both Assassins Anonymous and The Medusa Protocol. But we were one short on Medusa, and I had sent him the book because that’s what we do, we send each other our books early ‘cause we’re pals, so I knew he had read it already.

But for someone I don’t really know, to keep coming to me with each subsequent book? It’s a lot to ask.

Thou Shalt Not Ask for Pre-Pub Blurbs

I hate this trend so much. I don’t know if it’s agents or publishers pushing for them—blurbs before the book even goes on submission—but I am saying loudly and clearly: authors hate being asked to do them.

First, you’re asking us to put effort into something that may or may not get picked up, which is effort we could have put into any number of other things.

Second, we’ve got some real systemic problems in the publishing industry, if the difference between an author getting a contract or not is whether I liked it.

Third, you’re creating a system of privilege that boxes out people who don’t have access to authors they can ask for help.

Thou Shalt Not Significantly Alter Someone’s Blurb

This has never happened to me, but I’ve heard it happen to other people. I tend to write blurbs that are a little long, so authors or editors can cut them up or tweak or massage them. And I always welcome people to do that.

But if you’re going to entirely rewrite a blurb, you need to run it by me, and if you don’t, that’s lame.

Thou Shalt Not Send a PDF

I prefer to read for blurbs digitally, because I’m one trip to Barnes & Noble away from being found dead under a collapsed pile of books.

And, geez, I hate PDFs. I like to drop the file onto my Kindle, and PDFs don’t translate well, which means my only option is to read it on my computer, which limits where I can read it.

It’s not fun, trying to read from laptop on the subway, or sitting in the car while my daughter is in dance class.

I don’t care if it’s an .epub or a Word documents, just, keep some options open. If the only option is a PDF, fine, I can work with it, but it’s really annoying.

Speaking off…

Thou Shalt Not Sweat a Few Typos

This is more for the authors in the room: if you need a blurb by a certain timeframe, don’t make me wait while you do one final pass, or one more copyedit, or whatever. I don’t care if there are a few typos, or a few bits of wonky prose, if it means I have more time.

We all know the publication process is big and complicated and fluid; books change, there’s always work to be done, and there’s always stuff you’re going to miss. I’m not going to judge your book on a few typos or a few awkward sentences. I am more than able to see the bigger picture.

I’d rather have the time over something perfect… because there’s no such thing as perfect.

Thou Shalt Admit That Not Every Book Gets Read

Here’s the dirty little secret about the blurb game (and underscores why I think the whole process should be abolished anyway): not everyone reads the books they blurb.

I’m certainly guilty of this. A few times, I’ve found myself up against deadlines, and I’ve read portions of the book and scanned reviews to put something together.

And I know that’s not just me. On a recent book I wrote, I contacted an author about a blurb, and the author basically said to make something up and run it by them first.

It happens. We’re all doing the best we can with what we got. Like Dorothy Parker said: “I’ll read your book or I’ll blurb it but I won’t do both.”

Thou Shalt Not Judge People For Saying ‘No’

More than once, I’ve heard someone call someone else an asshole for declining to blurb a book. I’m sure people have said it about me.

Stop that.

If someone says no, it’s not because they don’t like you, it’s not because they want to see you fail. More often than not, they have a reason, whether it be personal or professional.

No one ever truly knows what anyone else is going through.

Thou Shalt Use Thy Power Wisely

I’ve got priorities when it comes to who I blurb. If it’s for my agent or an editor I’m working with, it’s a yes. If it’s for a close friend, it’s a yes.

After that, I prioritize books written by marginalized authors. This is the system we’re stuck with, and it’s weighted toward people who have privileges, like the ability to afford going to events and conferences so they can form the connections that’ll turn a request into a yes.

Not everyone has that level of access, so, fellow authors, let’s try to level the playing field a little bit?

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Whew. Let’s see where the chips fall on this one. I’m still in Thailand and will mostly ignore this until I return. But before I go, in the interest of Capitalism, a reminder that I’ve got two books coming up, which are now available for pre-order:

Detour, co-written with Jeff Rake, creator and showrunner of TV’s Manifest, coming out Jan. 13. And…

Three Hitmen and a Baby, the third installment of the Assassins Anonymous series, due out in June.

Okay. Stay safe out there.